I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
