I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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