I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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