Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you didnt know i had herpes?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
