she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
