im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
