Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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