I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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