I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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