I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
