everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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