I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
