Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
