and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
