I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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