why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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