So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't deserve a penis
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm both gender and math confused
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
