I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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