Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
