when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
