I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
