I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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