I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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