So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
