At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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