you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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