I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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