guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
