Say something about gay babies.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
