Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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