Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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