I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
