I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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