Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
