my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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