she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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