Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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