Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
