my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
