I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
