dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
