Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
