He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
