She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
