She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just pee around me
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
