you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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