Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
