I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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