I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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