god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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