we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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