She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
