There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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